Wrong Since Birth
by CheekyBrunette
Summary: If only he had been born right.  If only it didn't cause his mom and dad to hate him.  If only it didn't bring his parents to divorce.  If only James Diamond had been a girl. Gust like they wanted.  Oh, relax. There's no weirdness. Just angst.
1. Prologue

**Okay, okay, okay. Before I write ANYTHING, we need to address a little problem I have...**

**WHY THE HECK ARE THERE SO MANY PREGNANCY FICS IN THE ARCHIVES! Like... EWIE! You have to understand, that I have this weird fear of pregnant people. (Like... If I ever got pregnant I would cry, have my baby, but then kill myself as soon as it was had. Like... Ugh. I love kids, but the miracle of birth is just SO. FREAKING. CREEPY! Moving on...) I know it's weird, but that's the way it is, and I can't freaking FATHOM why ANYONE would want to WRITE about it! Ewie, ewie, ewie.  
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**Anyway. So for the love of all that is good, PLEASE write lots of NOT pregnancy fics. We can make a trend of not being gross and creepy.**

**(No offense if you're writing one. It just kind of freaks me out...)**

**OH! And BTW, this is just the Prologue...**

James buried his head under a pillow. Despite the enormity of his house and the distance between his bedroom and the dining room, he could steal hear his father's shouting _very _clearly through the walls of his bedroom. The words made him so nauseous, it felt like his stomach and his heart were trying to switch places. He hated this...

"Well, what do you want from me? He's loud, he's failing school, and those stupid friends of his get him in all kinds of trouble! I never wanted a dumb son, Brooke! Especially one like this!" Tears sprung into James's eyes, but not because of what his father had said. No... he was used to that. It was what his father was going to say that had him so upset. He vaguely listened to his mother trying to defend him, but he wasn't focused on it. "It's not ABOUT him trying harder! THERE'S NOTHING HE CAN DO! HE'S NOT A GIRL!"

At this point, Mrs. Diamond fell silent, and James hugged his pillow closer around his head, as if that could stop the way his body was wracking with held back sobs. _There it is..._ he thought, biting his bottom lip to the point of making it bleed. At least the worst part was over as his parents conversation fell to merely whispers creeping under his door. He didn't need to creep down the steps and listen in like he did as a kid. He knew full well what was going on.

James knew his mom had dropped her voice so he couldn't hear her agreeing with his dad. He knew that his parents had wanted a girl. He also knew that right now they were discussing how much better it would have been if the doctors had been right all those years ago when they said that he wasn't a boy and what a shame it was that there was really nothing they could do about it.

The worst part? It was like they didn't even notice how hard he tried. He had bent his _dreams_ for them. He had joined _theater_ for them. He'd taken _singing lessons _for them. James had even gone to the extent of building his whole entire life to the best of his ability to meet their expectations and lived it by giving out the same lies to everyone else that he was trying to feed them. James felt like he was being torn apart from the inside out. James was a boy. _A boy._ He liked yelling at referees and throwing popcorn in the air in an attempt to catch it in his mouth. He didn't like straightening his hair and coordinating his clothes to Martha Stewart quality.

He was crumbling, and he could feel it. There was only so much more of this his confidence could take. Sure, most people thought he was arrogant, but, frankly, they just didn't understand. They couldn't see the whole picture. Normal people from happy families just couldn't wrap their hands around how _someone needed to say it_! Someone needed to tell him that he was smart! Someone had to say he was handsome! Someone had to step in and tell him that he was a good kid. A good boy. People couldn't understand how someone needed to say it, and if it had to be him, than James would just have to adapt to that. And he had. So maybe you could call it arrogance, but it was all James had.

Expectedly, his mother's and father's voice grew louder, trying to be heard above the other. This was a new branch of the conversation, that James hadn't gotten used to yet, that James didn't want to _have_ to get used to. He picked himself off of his bed and went to drown out their screams under his shower head. As he went, he couldn't help thinking, _this could be it..._

**Kay, so that's just a sneak peak at what is to come... I have lots to do, so sorry it's so short. Relax, this isn't the intended length of these things...**


	2. Divorce

**Hello! I know... Some Wild Behavior... SOON! I SWEAR! But I was struck with inspiration, and I had to do this first! Let's see how much I can finish before I have to do homework, shall we?**

_Divorce_

James walked down the crowded high school hallway, his brain too preoccupied to process the awkwardness of being a freshman in a new school. He didn't care about where he was going or getting lost. James wasn't worried about checking out the older girls or looking for his friends in his classes. No, James had more to think about than that.

_Divorce_

And it was his fault.

James kept his eyes trained on the floor, humiliation burning his cheeks. It felt like every look was a stare, like every laugh was at him, like everyone knew he was a dirty little home-wrecker. James felt tainted by his own existence, and it ate him alive. If it wasn't for him, this wouldn't be happening to his parents. They'd be happy without him. Everyone would... It felt like he was toxic to everything he touched.

_Divorce_

The very word somehow managed to numb him and shake him to the core at the same time. It made him nauseous just to say it, terrified just to acknowledge it. Those seven measly letters consumed his thoughts. Just a spark from them never failed to set his whole brain on fire and leave him burned out. He was exhausted, depressed, and scared. It's amazing how one little word could creep into every part of him and take over.

_Divor-_

"Hello! Earth to Jay Jay!" James shook himself out of his fog to find Carlos's amused face up in his. He jumped back in surprise as the Latino laughed. "Dude, you were totally spaced out!" he said with a smile that quickly disappeared when Logan elbowed him sharply in the side, sending him stumbling.

"'Los! Be nice!" he reprimanded, and his expression changed completely when he looked up at James, features softening and eyes widening in worry. "Are you okay?" he asked, taking on his very concerned and admittedly adorable doctor face. He put a hand to his forehead. James just shot him his most convincing, patented James Diamond milli-watt smile and shook him off.

"I'm fine, Loges," he assured him, embarrassment and fear momentarily forgotten. Logan seemed to immediately relax and snatched his schedule from his hands, Carlos peering over his shoulder to compare classes. The two mirrored each other's faces, biting their bottom lips as their eyes darted back and forth from their paper to his.

"Score!" Carlos yelped, loving the benefits of a small but overcrowded high school. "We have all the same classes but science!" James grinned back at him half-heartedly, but his friends were too immersed in other things to notice, luckily. Logan was still comparing their schedules, and Carlos was in the middle of an extreme happy dance in the middle of the hallway. Logan looked at him with a smile about as weak as his and winced.

"Only English and History," he informed him, looking guilty. James patted his head and smirked, but his brain was already moving from their conversation and back to what was going on at home. "Same as me and Carlos..."

"It's okay... that's what happens when you've got a genius best friend," he told him, and Logan couldn't hide the pride on his face. Logan loved being called smart, and James loved making Logan happy. He loved making everyone feel happy. Smiles and compliments... if that's what it took to make everyone not feel like he did, then James was all for it. A thought crossed his clouding mind. "Hey... where's Kendall?" he asked, and Carlos frowned.

"I don't know... he wasn't on the bus this morning... but he _hates_ the first day of school. 'Sides, he thinks it's better for his rep if he skips it anyway..." Carlos explained, and James nodded in agreement. Kendall had this thing about being a "bad boy". If you asked any of the three boys, they'd probably say it had less to do with him rebelling and hating authority, and more to do with him wanting respect cause of his dead beat father. But, hey, James wasn't one to judge. In fact, none of the four were, which was probably one of the reasons they had been attracted to each other that fateful day in sixth grade.

"Jay Jay. JAY!" James once again was forced back into reality, this time Logan to be the one yelling at him. He flinched, and Logan pouted. "Whatever, just don't walk to class with us..." he said. James just quirked a smile and put a hand on his shoulder.

"Sorry, buddy. Yeah, let's go." Once again, a smile was restored on Logan's face, the kid was bipolar as Carlos, and they headed off to English for first period. The shorter two boys talked animatedly together, but James's head wasn't in it. He had far too much to think about.

_Divorce._

**There you are! Chapter one! Hoped ya'll enjoyed! Fun times!**

**BTW, chapters WILL get longer as they get, like... angstier, you know? No worries. This is just like... the intro as to what's going on... we'll get deep later.**


	3. Speaking Up

**Hello, duckies! I HAVE LOTS OF THINGS TO WRITE AND A DAY OFF FROM SCHOOL! Let's see how much I can fit around boxing and homework, shall we?**

James's stomach seemed to be thrilling itself by death-defyingly twisting in as many knots as it possibly could. It had been a couple days into the first week of school, and Kendall still hadn't shown up yet. He also hadn't contacted any of the guys. James couldn't even begin to describe how badly he wished Kendall was there. He had... stuff going on. Stuff he couldn't talk about with Logan and Carlos; this was a Kendall thing. While he loved the other two boys just as much, they were too... innocent to understand, and James had worked hard to keep it like that. He needed Kendall, but Kendall wasn't there. Why did he have to-

"Yello! Seriously, what is up with you, man? You've been spacing out all week!" James met Carlos's eyes and flushed, embarrassed to be caught dazing off again for about the thirtieth time this week. Every time one of the boys had to snap him out of it, their expressions grew more and more concerned. Carlos's tone was panicked and scared, and one quick look at the Latino proved the short boy was on the verge of a mental break down.

"I've just got a lot on my mind," he said nonchalantly. The bus bounced underneath him as he headed home, doing his best to keep his outsides cool as his brain screamed at him. _Just hold on! The bus stop is right around the corner! _Logan peered over the seat at him, biting his lower lip. It was evident in his eyes that he didn't buy James's "everything's fine!" act, but also just as clear that he didn't want to call him out on it. He aura vibrated with nervousness that was putting all the surrounding kids at edge, their eyes darting towards the trio and then away, as if they thought Logan was being threatened or something. He looked at James hopefully, and he could tell he wanted him to get the message and just come clean already.

Well, James got the message, but he couldn't tell. Not ever. Because then they'd _know_. And they could never know. The bus screeched to the stop at the corner, and James saluted both his friends and hopped off before they could question him further. He walked to his house without looking back, as the big building came into view, James found his breath hitching. What would happen to his home when his parents split up officially? Would he get to live there? Would he move? Would he change states? Would he get to see both his mom and dad?

All these stupid questions! It's like... nothing could be the same, but somehow it was all supposed to be. James's whole world had been thrown for a loop, and now he had no idea where it was going to land. His entire future, all his plans, were up in the air. James was trapped. He couldn't make any decisions because there was too many unknowns that could ruin them, and he couldn't just leave them hanging... having no plan is scarier than a plan not working out.

James walked up the front steps and in through the front door. Silence greeted him, and he quickly mounted the stairs. Best to be out of the way for when his parents came home. The less they saw of him, the better for their relationship. He flopped on his bed, uninterestedly picking up his phone and flipping a text to Kendall. _Where is he? _he wondered. James could seriously use him right now, and he was probably running around somewhere, playing hooky, instead of going to school. Of course... that didn't explain him not answering his messages...

This _sucked. _All those guidance counselors who talked to his classes in elementary schoolers about how divorce was okay were total liars. According to them, all of this was supposed to end up alright. Well, sorry, but James wasn't seeing how this could end well at all. Especially because it was all his fault.

At first it had just been his mom telling his dad to be proud of him, and that wasn't so bad. Of course, when his dad grew tired of that and responded to her by complaining about wanting a girl, yeah, it had stung a little bit, but it wasn't as bad as what it had morphed into. Now, it felt like every time James made the smallest mistake, his parents were on each other. Those whispered arguments over him grew into full blown screaming matches quicker than anyone would like to admit, and it was _scary. _James had never lived in a very loving household, but it was getting harder and harder to pretend it was just that as the days went on.

He puttered about his room for a while, throwing himself into video games and wishing he had homework to take his mind off life for a while. Ha. Wishing for homework... if that doesn't just _scream_ that something was wrong with him, James didn't know what did. He was busy filing his nails with his headphones in, when the slamming front door somehow managed to shake the whole entire house. He frantically turned the music up, but his parents' shouts still managed to plague him as they fought on the way to their office.

His chest constricted, and it felt like someone was tightening their fingers around his throat, it was that hard to breathe. Their words pounded over his music. "_Well, I'm sorry you're life is just _so _disappointing! Boo hoo, this family isn't all you expected. You think that _I'm _happy? I won't be happy until you're gone!"_ his mom was yelling. Her voice was hoarse and gravelly, worn out from all the abuse she'd been putting it through lately. James pulled out his earbuds and crept over to his door, putting his ear to it despite the paper thin walls of his house. It was weird... every part of him was screaming to get out of the house, to not listen in, but there he was, desperately clinging to every word.

"_Well, I'm glad that I can at least to _something_ to please you! Because, apparently, nothing else can! I've done my best for this family, and you don't even care!" _his father threw back, the poison coated words stabbed James straight through. Somehow he found his hand twisting the doorknob. He stepped out into the hallway, leaning over the banister. His parents' shadows played on the floor of the foyer as they continued their fight, James's eyes drawn to their dancing figures.

_"Ha. Right. You do things for this family. Like running our business, organizing parties, and loving our son," _his mother's voice was dripping with sarcasm, but steadily growing louder, _"You're so full of it! You act like you're this great thing, when you are the most selfish man I've ever met, and I must have been drunk when I agreed to marry you because no _sane_ woman would!" _ James bit his thumbnail, pulling on his hair a bit in nervousness. He started padding down the wide stairs in his socked feet, stopping at the landing halfway through and practically doubling over the railing to peak at his parents through the door to their office.

_"You are such a hypocrite! _I'm _selfish? Please! It's all about _you! _Who's the one who always has to get what they want? Who doesn't share their business? Who won't let anyone in on their plans? That would be YOU, Brooke, YOU!" _his father shot, and suddenly, a pang shook James's heart. Brooke... his dad used to call his mom 'Paddle'. It was a stupid name and a stupid thing to miss, but... it just really drove things home, didn't it? He shuddered and found himself on the ground floor, creeping down the foyer hall. It was like it's body had a mind of it's own as he walked. He didn't want to go see his mom and dad. He didn't want to see them arguing. He didn't want them to be mad at each other in the first place... yet he was still getting closer and closer to them.

His parent continued their screaming, and James sat down in the hallway next to their office door. He hugged his knees close to him, tears dripping down his face. He tried to wipe them off on the shoulder of his shirt, but eventually it became too much, and his v-neck was too wet to help anymore. He hung his head, ashamed, doing his best to stay put until those three little words somehow managed to words rammed their way into the conversation again.

_"I HATE YOU!" _

James wasn't sure which of his parents had said it. All he could remember was flying off the floor and bursting into the office and thinking, "_Well... that shut them up fast.._." His parents' eyes had widened at his tearstained cheeks, but James's mind was too preoccupied to care. He didn't really process it, but everything that he had been feeling was somehow tumbling out into the air in front of the only other two people in the world who knew what was going on with him.

"Just shut up! Just... shut up! You can be as mad as you want, but take it out on me! Be mad at me, yell at me, just not each other. It's my fault, all mine, and I can't _take_ you guys fighting anymore cause then there's _nothing_, don't you see? This family will have _nothing_, and I can't do nothing... I've put up with almost something forever, and you can't take that away from me!" He tried to pause, to breathe, but he couldn't stop. It was like his soul was tipping over and letting everything rushing out with no way to catch it and set it right. "It's not _fair_ anymore, dad, mom. It's not fair for you two to both suck out all the love in this house because I can't _live _without it! I could barely live with the little we had, and now you're saying you're just going to let even that end? Are you serious? You think I can handle that? Shut up, make up, and... I don't know, send me to my room or something for talking back to you guys! Punish me, acknowledge me, do... _something." _He looked at them with wide, hopeful eyes, just like how Logan had been looking at him earlier. "Please."

His dad was the first to break the silence that followed. "That's it... I'm filing for divorce right now. I can't deal with you anymore," he said, his voice quieter than before, but somehow much angrier. His dad grabbed his jacket and slung it over his shoulders. He snagged his keys from the desk and walked out of the room, not looking back. James turned to his mom, desperation filling every cell in his body, but she just looked away.

James had never felt more alone.

**Well... I feel like this was a success... at least better than the previous parts. A bit more action-y, a far better ending, and NOW I have a PERFECT idea on where it's going... mostly.**

**Hope you all enjoyed! It's crazy how I only managed this on my day off, but I'll try to update tomorrow, duckies! Some Wild Behavior is in need of some love, and I got a couple ideas up my sleeves... WOOT!**

**By the way... I'm sorry for all the confusion and anxiousness I caused. (You know what I'm talking about.) I feel horrible. **


	4. Pushing Them Away

**SHE'S MY BEST KEPT SECRET! MY INTERNET GIRL! SHE'S MY ONE AND ONLY, AND I AIN'T TELLIN' THE WORLD! HOOKED UP ONLINE WITH THAT GIRL! SHE MY ONE AND ONLY! MY INTERNET GIRL!**

**Guys, I am such on such an Aaron Carter spree right now. YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW!**

**Also, I'm so, SO determined to finish this chapter cause it's embarrassing how long it's been since I updated. Ugh… So let's do this. I seriously need to get my writing mojo back.**

**!**

James scrubbed at his face in class, trying to rub away the exhaustion attempting to consume him. He couldn't even begin to focus on the lesson, emotion draining him like no other force could. He'd gone to bed at eight o'clock the night before, not sure what else to do with himself. He had been sad and tired, so he hit the hay early. Funny how nothing was different.

Mercifully, the bell rang, but before he could get out of class, something got in his way. Or rather, _two _somethings. "Guys, I'm too tired for this right now, get out of my way," James said to Carlos and Logan, attempting to side step around them, but they just moved further in his way.

"Yeah, James! That's what they're worried about! You look like death warmed over! Twice!" Carlos yelped, eyes flickering with fear. Ugh, as if _that_ didn't strike him right through the heart. James sighted, running a hand through his hair and digging at his eye with his palm. He was just so _tired_…

"Look, it's nothing that some sleep can't cure. When I get home, I swear, I'll take a nap first thing," he assured him, but Logan frowned at him. The shorter boy put a hand on his chest and pushed him into a chair. He brought his own face alarmingly close to James's, his chocolate brown eyes flickering over every part of him. Logan pulled away.

"No, James. A good night's sleep is _not_ curing _that_," he said with a huff, and James couldn't resist a growl. Maybe he was tired, but he still looked flawless. Then again, _Logan_ was the doctor in training. "Look…" the pale boy continued, tone much softer, "Maybe… maybe you should spend the night at my house. Cause… I mean… maybe…"

He let the unfinished sentence hang in the air, and something inside James snapped. "What are you saying?" he asked, tone accusing, and Logan visibly shrank back a bit, nearly backing into Carlos.

"Nothing, James, I was just-"

"You were just _nothing_," James finished for him, giving Logan an intense glare. "What _my_ family does and what's going on in _my_ life is _none_ of your concern. You don't know _anything_, and I like keeping it that way. So _butt out!"_ he bit and wheeled on Carlos. "Same goes for you," he said with a pointed glare, ignoring their victimized expressions and leaving with a huff.

The second he left the classroom, a wave of regret washed over him. _Okay, I could not have possibly done anything dumber, _he thought to himself, resisting the urge to facepalm. He eyes blinked blearily as he trudged to his next class. Ew. That conversation could not have gone worse, especially when he didn't believe a single word he said.

A worm of guilt nibbled at his heart. His friends seriously deserved some answers to the questions he _knew_ were bubbling around in their brains. He wasn't being very fair to them, stumbling into school and zoning out of their conversations without a single explanation.

Also, pushing Carlos and Logan away was practically the dumbest thing he could possibly be doing at the moment. Seriously? It's not like he had a lot of people offering him unconditional love at the moment. His mom and dad were… well, his mom and dad, Kendall was MIA, and who else was there? Carlos and Logan. And he'd just yelled at them essentially for caring about him.

Fantastic.

The rest of the day passed by slowly, James spending most of it trying not to steal glances at Carlos from across the classroom and wondering where the heck Kendall was. It was like he'd disappeared. He was supposed to be the one that fixed things like this, when James made stupid mistake, but currently he was doing a pretty shoty job at it. Showing help could definitely be a step to changing that.

The bus ride home was terrible. Carlos and Logan sat a bit behind him, talking in hushed voices and completely unaware that James could hear every word they were saying.

"I'm worried about him, Litos," Logan was saying, his nervousness evident in his voice. Carlos sniffed and James caught him rubbing at his nose with the sleeve of his windbreaker. It was obvious he had a cold. _When did that happen?_ James wondered idly as Carlos sneezed, feeling a bit ashamed that he hadn't noticed earlier.

"I know, Loges. I don't know what to tell you. We don't normally have to deal with this kind of stuff," he said, hugging himself a bit. Logan frowned, playing with his backpack straps.

"I wish Kendall was here," Logan said sullenly, and James couldn't help but scoff a bit. _You and me both, buddy._ "I miss James," he said, and that little thread of guilt that had been nagging at James all afternoon grew into tapeworm size proportions. How was he supposed to fix that? What was that supposed to mean? James immediately thought that Logan was missing him because of their little "fight" that was mostly him yelling, but something told him that he was talking about something bigger.

"Me too," Carlos said with a sniff, and this time it wasn't because of his cold. His chin quivered as the Latino bit back tears. What was James missing? Sure he had been a bit distant, and he probably wasn't as great at keeping things hidden as he thought he was, but… that wasn't… that wasn't something to get so upset over. He was still here, he was still James. He was just…

Crap.

They missed him.

The bus screeched to a stop, and James hopped off the bus, half wanting to run down the street to get home to just throw himself on his bed and half wanting to never get there. Because James didn't like "home". And no one should not like their home. He ended up walking there, but it felt like he had two strings attached to his back and chest, one pulling him away and one pulling him forward.

This whole situation was seriously eating at James. There was too much going wrong and no one to look out for him. _At least this can't last forever… although 18 years old seems ages away, _he thought as he mounted the stairs. James opened the door to his room and nearly jumped out of his skin when there was a man sitting on the end of his bed.

His first instinct was to run and punch whoever it was in the face, but they quickly quelled down when he realized he was staring at no other than Kendall Knight. "We need to talk," the blonde said.

_Well, this should be interesting. _

**SO FILLER, IT'S EMBARRASSING! But look? Doesn't next chapter seem fun? Don't you just want to hug it? I'm going to try to write it real fast for you because it's kind of a mean cliffhanger I left you with. Also, I'm really amped to write this entire scene, so yay!**

**BOODYHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! (Dude, I'm totally saying that ALL THE TIME now!)**


	5. Secrets Undone

**Grrrr. I have a math test, physics test, AND timed writing today. That I completely forgot about. And they're 1****st**** period, 3****rd**** period, and 4****th**** period respectively. YAY!**

**Ah, never mind. I just took the math test, and it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. Plus, my wittle baby boy Alex just helped me wrap my brain around physics, AND I got a look at the English prompt. All's good in the Cheeky hood.**

**!**

_His first instinct was to run and punch whoever it was in the face, but they quickly quelled down when he realized he was staring at no other than Kendall Knight. "We need to talk," the blonde said._

James wasn't quite sure _what_ he wanted to do with himself. On the one hand, Kendall was who he had been searching for the past couple of days, and that part that had needed him wanted nothing more than to rush up and hug him as hard as he could, possibly letting himself melt into a puddle of tears while he was at it. On the other hand, Kendall had practically _abandoned_ them, abandoned _him_, without a warning or note… and that part of James was in the mood to deck Kendall in the face.

The tall freshman breathed slowly, eyes closed and fingers twitching at his side. "Where have you been?" he asked curtly, voice tense as he tried to reign in his emotion. It was like every section of his brain was screaming a thousand different things at him. His limbic system was trying to push him into Kendall's arms, his prefrontal cortex was forcing him to stand and get some answers, and once again, James felt like two cords were pulling him forward and backward.

"Away," Kendall answered, and James shuddered with frustration, whether at himself or Kendall, he couldn't be sure. He crossed his arms across his midsection, feeling very vulnerable under the circumstance and needing something to be between him and the boy on his bed. He didn't know why he felt so… exposed. He _did_ know that this wasn't supposed to go. James wanted a hug. He really wanted a hug…

"That's not an answer," he said, voice cracking and unable to keep the tears at bay anymore. He stood their sniveling, and Kendall arched an eyebrow at him, holding his arms open wide. "_I really just want a hug_," he said on an intake of air, feverishly trying to wipe away the tears. Boy sobbing was extremely unattractive, and he didn't want to stand there looking like he knew he probably did. James had cried more times in front of the mirror than he'd like to admit. (1)

"So come get one," Kendall said, looking overly concerned. James shook his head, pressing his lips together in a last ditch attempt to stop himself from crying. He tried to catch a breath.

"N-no," he said, voice high. He didn't want to come get one, he just… he just wanted one. He felt like a little kid, unable to voice or process what was going on in his brain. Kendall looked at him curiously, getting up and walking over to him slowly. When James didn't move away, and Kendall brought him in, wrapping him up in his arms. James gripped at the front of his shirt, burying his face into the crook of Kendall's neck, bending over to do so. The back of his brain wondered how much he must have been freaking Kendall out right now, but all thought stopped when the front door of his house banged open.

Crap.

Screams filled the previously silent household, signaling James's parents were officially walking through the door. James didn't need to pull away to see the alarmed, horrified expression on Kendall's face. He knew it was there. Instead, he just fisted his hands into the blonde's shirt tighter, too embarrassed to look up at him. He felt Kendall's grip on him tighten in what James thought felt like a protective manner. A hand ran through his hair.

"You wanna get out of here, buddy?" Kendall asked when he realized the yelling wasn't going to stop. James just nodded his head, allowing himself to be let go of in favor of leading him down the stairs without either of them tripping and falling flat on their faces. Without really realizing he had moved, James found himself standing in the driveway with his the handles of his bicycle in his hands and helmet clasped beneath his chin. Kendall hopped on his own bike and nodded in a way that said, "follow me".

Soon, they were peddling through the streets, the already chill autumn air whipping through their t-shirts. James really didn't feel like biking. He also really didn't like passing by all these houses filled with people he knew with his eyes all red and puffy. Timmy, the toddler who lived in the house two down from the corner of Pebble and Mellow Brooke, pointed up at him with a frown. Mrs. Grayson, his mother, looked at him worriedly. James just ducked his head, ears growing warm. That was the bad part about a small town. Everybody knew everybody and nothing went unnoticed. It wouldn't be long until the Grayson family had a phone bill a mile long and every person he passed would be stopping him to see if he was all right.

Lovely.

They pulled into the Knights' driveway, rolling their bikes into an alarmingly empty garage. Not only was there no car, but there also wasn't any clutter. No tools, no paint, no toys… no nothing. He hadn't really been over to Kendall's that summer… In fact, James couldn't remember coming to the Knights' at all. Maybe they had done some serious recycling. They went into the house, and the same was for the inside. Nearly no furniture, no trinkets… just a couple photographs. There weren't any lamps, aside from the ones that had always been there. James bit his lip. "Kendall…?" he asked, and the blonde just brushed him off.

"Let's go to my room," he suggested, and James nodded, tears mostly dried with a curious look taking over his expression.

**(1)Okay, normally I hate these little notes (Actually, I love them in books, but not so much on here) But I think it's important because that sentence probably seems weird and overly angsty or something… but like… I don't know. I feel like James is almost an extension of me when I write him because we're pretty similar in the way that we handle most situations, and like… I cry in front of the mirror all the time. No, not because I think I'm ugly or something dumb… it's just how it happens cause I get all worried that I look stupid, so I go to check myself out. That sounds weird, but whatever… So that was the thinking behind it.**

**I keep writing, but not updating. This is going to be a mass pile up of updates. Sorry for my weirdness…**


	6. Not A Hero

**This is kind of embarrassingly late also, but I'm trying to write more. And sorry for directing so much of my time on NOT BTR. I feel incredibly guilty cause most of you have me on your alerts for just that, and…**

**Yeah. I feel terrible.**

**But thank you for sticking with this story! Hugs and snuggles! Let's get this done before babysitting, shall we?**

Kendall's room was as bare as the rest of his house, and it was starting to get freaking alarming. There was nothing but a few scattered pictures in their frames on the floor, the scrapbook he'd been keeping since third grade, and some clothes stacked in a pile in one corner. His mattress was lying on the floor with sheets covering it, and his open closet door revealed the rest of his wardrobe, but… James was so confused.

"What's going on?" he asked, his voice sounding wet and his throat was clogged with all sorts of emotions. Kendall gave him a look that _clearly_ said he didn't want to talk about it, but James wasn't sure how he was supposed to let it go. How was the Knight's house so _empty?_ He bit his lip and scratched the back of his neck. "Kendall, I-"

"No," the blonde cut him off, a finality in his voice that James knew better than to try to twist around, "This is about you." Kendall sat cross-legged on his mattress, patting the other side for James to sit down on. This was so weird. The emptiness of the bedroom was literally impossible to ignore as James went _low_ to get on Kendall's bed, the headboard and footboard normally holding it up completely missing.

James bit his lip as Kendall waited for him to say something, presumably to open up, and he couldn't help but feel as if this was his chance. He had been waiting and waiting for Kendall to fix things, but now that he was here… It was starting to dawn on him that his situation was hopeless. Kendall couldn't fix his parents.

It's not like James ever thought he could, but… but he had hope that Kendall could somehow fix him. He had been clinging that stupid hero worship he had been suffering under since he first met him. Tears prickled his eyes. There wasn't a cure to what he was going through; there was no solution. He was stuck like this, sad and hurting.

Kendall arched an eyebrow at him, and James didn't know how to put what he was feeling into words. He was scared, and sad, and so, _so_ disappointed. Because sometimes heroes don't fall. Sometimes they just weren't ever there.

His heart clenched up a bit, and he suddenly felt arms around him. Kendall. He was trying to comfort him, but that couldn't work. His comforter was the one who couldn't fix it. _No one could fix it._

"It's okay," Kendall whispered into his ear, opening the floodgates because no, no it wasn't. "Everything will be okay." Now James was _really_ crying because no, no it wouldn't. Not ever. Why? Why did his parents have to be just so… stupid? How could it be that hard to love each other? If they weren't going to love him, couldn't they just be happy together? He needed something, anything…

James's heart was crumbling. Because along with the realization of Kendall not being able to fix his home life, he was now understanding that his parents didn't care. They didn't care about each other, obviously, but they really didn't care about him. Oh gosh, they didn't care about him. Why didn't they care about him? They were his parents! They were supposed to love him when no one else did, and… He couldn't help but look up to him. He was a kid; they were his mommy and daddy. He loved them like a son was supposed to, but they didn't love him back. They didn't love anyone.

Oh gosh, since when was it so hard to breathe?

Kendall's hands were rubbing his back as he held him, and James buried his face in the crook of his neck. "Kendall? Kendall?" he called, sounding like he didn't even know if the older boy was even there. "I'm so sorry, I just… _I'm so sorry,_" he fumbled for words, and just going with the first thing that came out of his mouth.

But he wasn't lying about being sorry. He really was. He felt completely worthless, and stupid, and terrible… he didn't deserve to be helped by Kendall, but at the same time he didn't want to be because Kendall couldn't be everything he expected him to be, but James _needed_ to be held, and, and, and… His own brain didn't make sense! It felt like every conclusion he came to was wrong because he also concluded the exact opposite.

What was he doing?

Crap, what was he doing?

James pulled away from Kendall, getting up and standing awkwardly in front of him, squirming a bit where he stood. He felt so awkward, _what was he doing?_ "I don't know…" he trailed off. Crap, what didn't he know? Apparently, he didn't even know _where he was going_ with that. James completely tuned out He was just… confused. So confused. What was going on with him?

"-ames. Ja~ames, James!" Kendall said, calling for his attention, obviously for a little while at this point. "Bro, it's okay," he said, sounding a little desperate, and suddenly? James had everything he wanted to say all figured out.

"No, you know what, Kendall? I am so _sick_ of things being 'okay'. It's _not okay!_ It's never going to be okay because my parents are getting a divorce, and it's all my fault because they don't love me!" he laughed bitterly, "And you know what? It's worse because no one can fix it. No one. My house is going to stay silent when they're away and too loud when they're home, and that's not going to change until they get their stupid little divorce finalized, and then it's silent _all the time_. I can't_ do this_ anymore, Kendall. I can't keep acting like it's okay. It's not. It's freaking not."

He then took a good look at Kendall's face, just then taking in the red nose and the matching eyes. Guilt immediately pooled in the pit of his stomach. The blonde took a breath.

"I know," he whispered.

**Ha. So there you go. I now feel sufficient in BTR writing. Next chapter of a Klaine and then… and then BIDs, I think. And the last chapter of SWB should be coming at you soon. YAY!**


	7. Foreclosure

"**So say hello to falsetto in three… two… swag… I'd like to beee anything you want! Hey girl, lemme talk to ya!" –Boyfriend by Justin Bieber is, let's be real, making my life. Over and over, m'kay?**

**Also, I don't know how into boy bands you guys are, but I'm… Yeah. I'm obsessed. So if you've ever heard of BoyZone, I was telling this to my girl VikWhis, they totally sound like the original Disney soundtracks, you know? Like… Listen to Aladdin "I Can Show You The World" then BoyZone's "No Matter What". I DARE YOU!**

James locked eyes with Kendall, holding his gaze as long as he could, testing the blonde in some way… He just wasn't sure how… Eventually, the eye contact faltered a bit, and James pressed. "What's not, Kendall?" he asked, and the other boy's gaze fell to his shoes.

"I don't know what you're-"

"No. Cut the crap. You said that you _know_. You _know_, Kendall and… and it's been scaring me this entire time because I can tell that something's not okay with you," James said, realization dawning on him as he spoke the words. Ah. That was why everything was so uncomfortable between them. "So what's not okay?"

"James, I…" When it became apparent that Kendall wasn't going to say anything else, James crossed his arms and glowered down at him, making sure disapproval was written all over his body.

"Kendall, I just spilled my heart out to you, even though I half didn't want to. You are _going _to tell me what's wrong, okay? Sometimes people just have to trust each other back," he said with a bit of bite to his voice. He couldn't help it. There was nothing in Kendall's house. Like… really?

"James, this is kind of big, and I'm not sure…"

"Kendall…" James broke in as the other boy let his words get away from him. He spoke slowly. Every now and then, James would sort of tap into the deep part of himself and something like this would come out. "It's the big stuff that hurts the most to keep in. It's too much to hold down, and it's not going to keep pushing until you finally let it out." Kendall's eyes widened, and –eventually- he let out a sigh.

"Okay," he said, and James shoved aside his own feelings, plopping down onto Kendall's bed and sticking the shorter boy's head in his lap. He stroked his head while the older boy spilled. "Well, you know how my mom's a waitress? Yeah, that's not really… really paying the bills, or anything," Kendall said, and from the way he was struggling to catch a breath, it was apparent he was trying not to cry as he retold the story. "And now the bank is taking _everything_, and… and I don't know, James…" he said choppily.

"Oh, wow, Kendall…"

"No, don't say anything," the blonde said before James could truly offer his condolences. "I just… I've had to pick up so many shifts at the grocery store, and… I can't keep doing this, James. I wanna go to school, but I don't know how… I can't let them take the house, James, but no one else can do anything…" he said, and James could feel his heart breaking.

"Kendall, I mean… I'm sure we could figure something out, but…" James didn't know what to ask first. "When where you thinking about going back to school. The teachers keep asking us, and I mean… none of us know…" James trailed of, and Kendall smushed his hair up onto the top of he did whenever he was stressed. James just now noticed how tangled up and matted his bangs really were.

"I don't know, James. I'm serious, I don't know _anything_. Everything is so freaking _much_ and I can't even handle it anymore," he said. "There doesn't seem to be any solution, and I…" Kendall took what was obviously a very difficult breath and his voice cracked on the next words, "I really need there to be."

James's stomach tied itself in knots. "Why didn't you tell us?" he whispered, confused as he continued to thread his fingers over and over through Kendall's hair. The other boy let out a huff of air.

"Cause it's embarrassing. And they took my phone," he grumbled, and James let out a huff of his own.

"Kendall, this definitely isn't something you should be embarrassed about," James said, and he was met with a disbelieving look and an arched eyebrow. He frowned. "What?"

"Well… have you told Carlos and Logan about your parents?" Kendall asked, and James pouted indignantly, scrunching up his nose.

'That's different."

"No, it's not, James. You didn't want to tell them because you were too proud, too embarrassed, and too worried about if it would stress them too much. They're your babies, and all three of you are _my_ babies. I know I have issues telling you guys stuff, now it's your turn to admit you have trouble telling Carlos and Logan stuff."

James frowned. "They would listen to me."

"Yeah, but you wouldn't give them a chance," Kendall said pointedly, and James admitted defeat, putting his hands up in surrender. "Yeah, see? Thought so. But that's fine, so long as you understand why it took me so long. It's the same reason Carlos and Logan tell _everything_ to each other, especially. Their both the babies so there is nothing to hide."

"Well, you've certainly got us all pegged," James said with a bit of disdain in his voice, and he knew it. Kendall got up off his lap, twisting to lean against the wall behind him.

"That's my job," he said with a smirk, and James hit his arm.

"You're a dork."

**Bwahahaha. There we are… It's so weird for me to write this, and I don't know why. I admittedly just keep putting it off cause I don't like it…**

**But yay! Kendall angst! Time to start flipping around and tying it up with some mini conflicts along the way! OBJECTIVE 1 COMPLETE!**


	8. Spilling

**Okay, lovelies! I'm gonna try to end this in two chapters! A;ksdfjalskdj I KNOW! Sad. Especially cause this is one of my only ties to BTR right now… I swear. I just need season 3 to come, and I'll be more inspired. You know how it is… When it's not on, I have nothing to work with.**

**Which reminds me: Requests are so welcome for this fandom right now. Come at me, guys. Not kidding.**

James was sort of starting to realize that some things couldn't be fixed, and all of the scary papers coming into his life were proving that to him. His parents divorce documents were out on the coffee table, lawyers now dragged into their arguments every night as they fought over custody… over him. He hated how his dad wasn't even trying. And then there were the eviction notices that were always plastered up on the Knight's door when James passed by...

He bet it was the talk of the town right now. "_Did you hear about the Knight foreclosure? How sad…_" James hated other people. Didn't they realize that this was humiliating enough for the Knights as it was? Who were they to spread the news around as easily as they would if it was about a new puppy or some budding genomes? Why couldn't people just leave well enough alone?

Plus, James wasn't particularly fond of the overwhelming amount of homework papers his teachers kept shoving over to him for Kendall. Like… do they really think he's going to be doing any of it? Of course, Kendall seemed to always be handing him completed worksheets, too, but… it was still annoying.

Of course, that wasn't really the hard part. No, the hard part was having to look at Carlos and Logan everyday, both so confused and concerned, and not tell them anything. Gosh, they were just so cute and innocent, but like… that was the problem.

Kendall was right. As much as he trusted the pair of them with his whole entire life, James didn't want to tell them a thing. They were his babies. His _babies_. And sure, that made him their 'momma', but he didn't care. Whatever it meant, James was going to protect his wittle Cargan, even if it entailed enduring endless puppy dog looks… Curse their giant brown eyes…

James was shaken out of his thoughts by the end of the period's bell. He collected his things and was walking down the hall when he felt two people fall into step on either side of him. He sighed. James knew this move… Both Logan and Carlos steered him, flanking both his sides, into an abandoned boys bathroom. "Okay, James, you've made it painfully clear that you don't want to tell us what's going on, but… but it's not fair anymore," Carlos announced decidedly once he had turned to face him. James laughed.

"Carlos, you have no idea what unfair is," James said a bit bitterly, a guilty feeling sweeping over him as he watched Logan and Carlos meet eyes.

"Alright," the paler of the two said slowly, "James. You're not allowed to say that kind of thing and then… and then not tell us what's going on. If we 'have no idea what unfair is'," he quoted, "then just tell us. Like… Stop stringing us along like this. We're both so worried about you and Kendall, and it's obvious it's weighing on you, too, so just… spill. Seriously, I can't handle this anymore."

James squirmed under both sets of eyes staring at him uncertainly. He knew he wasn't being fair… but even if he told them, wouldn't that still be? It's not just to shove your burdens on people either…

Gah. Everything was so complicated.

"Guys, you don't get it," he mumbled, letting his eyes fall to the ground. He didn't want to look at him, the tiled floor suddenly seeming much more inviting than his friend's troubled faces.

"But we want to," Carlos said quietly in response, and James bit his lip. Okay. Okay. He should tell. He should really tell. Probably. But like… but that was hard. That was really hard. Because even if he wanted them to know, James still didn't want to say it. Cause saying it makes it real. He decided for no lead in. Just now or never. Ready? Here we go. He could do this. Three… Two… One… Alright. Now.

"My parents are getting a divorce," he said quickly, the words blending together he said it so fast. For a second, he thought he would have to repeat himself, but by the way his friends' faces fell, he knew he wouldn't. "So… yeah…"

They weren't saying anything. Why weren't they saying anything? Things were getting super awkward for James and he fiddled with his sleeves, waiting for Carlos and Logan to respond.

"Wow…"

Okay, James wasn't counting that as talking. He still waited, and eventually Logan cleared his throat. "Yes, well…" he sniffed and picked at his tie, "That really _isn't_ fair, is it?" James nearly laughed at Logan's cute little face, twitching in discomfort. He suddenly regretted not telling him sooner, the way he was taking it brightening up his spirits a bit.

"No. No, it's not," he said with a smile, but Carlos frowned, something clicking in his big, brown eyes.

"And Kendall…?"

James's throat tightened. Technically, it wasn't his place to say, and he didn't want to become one of those people who spread rumors around, but… but Kendall definitely wouldn't tell, and Logan and Carlos needed to know… because yeah. It wasn't fair for him to keep stuff from them anymore. "Foreclosure," he answered, and once again, their eyes widened. "He's working during school." Naturally, Logan was definitely in near hysterics over that, and Carlos just stomped his foot.

"Lucky…"

"Carlos!" Logan yelped, distressed. He rubbed his temples. "Okay… Okay. I've got six hours after school, and Kendall gets off work usually at five… or at least he used to, so that makes three to tutor…" Logan was doing some hardcore planning, his face screwed up with calculations, and James wanted to facepalm. Logan could teach Kendall the lessons! Why hadn't he thought of that?

Suddenly, he felt Carlos's arms wrapped around him. "You can sleep at my house all this week, James," he offered happily. "Mom's making chicken tonight if you wanna start now." Oh… Oh.

Why hadn't James told them sooner?

**My 'L' key is being so evil right now. It's barely working… Stupid LLLLL! It's all stuck. **


End file.
